Overall, the student shows to possess many ideas and knowledge on the subject. Still, the essay lacks stronger connections and smoother transition from subject to subject as well as organization. Due to the lack of stronger connections the essay also appears to be going back and forth causing it to have a sense of "being all over the place."
Ex.In the third paragraph, the student talks about the contradiction that commercials send out, encouraging people to lose weight and then broadcasting commercials that promote fast food chains and video games.
"The media explores on the issue of obesity America suffering with but in the next minutes a fast food restaurant commercial is acknowledged. Followed by video game commercials leading into a weight loss commercial. Advertising doesn't have a vaid (SP) message because its advocating to eat while playing video games or watching TV. "
I strongly encourage the students to draw out further details as to why this is so because by briefly touching up on it makes the essay sound "list like".
Another piece of advise that I want to give, is going back and further explaining the reasons as to why they chose their examples. In other words the student needs to be more clear in letting the reader know her opinions on the matter.
ex. In their first paragrahp the student writes as follows,
"It is safe to say that advertisements are a person's guideline in life."
This is a good statement, but the writer needs to further explain as to why she believes this is so.
Furthermore, I would encourage the student to make an appointment with their schools writing center. There are grammatical mistakes and word choice errors that if corrected would boost the clarity of the essay.
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